PR Poker

When Saturday's return to DJing came it also made way for a long overdue clearout of the record bag. Sadly, having used my heavy duty Technics bag (space for laptop and 30x 12"s) for the first few months in my current role, I finally cracked around 12 months ago and opted for something a little sleeker and more appropriate for the PR industry. The plus side to what would otherwise have been a ball-ache interruption to DJing prep, was that I took a nostalgic trip down 'first 6 months in London' memory lane. Amongst the old fag packets, receipts, empty gak wraps, trade mags, boarding passes and biros, I was overjoyed at discovering the following gem, harking right back to the disciplinary that culminated in my final written warning after a mere 4 months:

The document outlines the company's definition of 'gross misconduct,' yet to this very day I struggle to make the distinction between this document and a description of a typical working week. As such, I took the liberty of highlighting for you the parameters that could come into play should the company at any juncture decide to action my instant dismissal.

With the weekend already long gone, and with previous disciplinary action aside, I came to be unexpectedly summoned for a meeting in Bjorn's office yesterday morning, where he and Trophy_Wife awaited, documents laid out before them. Now of course, all too familiar with the disciplinary procedure, I was anticipating a) a random bollocking relating to my post Christmas Party no-show or b) the sack for one of the aforementioned aspects of 'gross misconduct'.

Yet in a quite unbelievable turn of events, they proceeded to offer me both a promotion and a payrise.

Given the current climate most people would be fairly pleased with what I quickly calculated to equate to a 9.09% payrise. Not myself.

A smirk spread across my face as Bjorn and Trophy_Wife set out the pay offer. Bjorn seemed to read it as a look of achievement/content, whereas in truth, it was a look born more out of contempt at the writhing snake who is attempting to nigh-on double my workload in return for what I genuinely consider to be financial peanuts. I told him I'd have to sleep on it and, as soon as the coast was clear, went for outside for a sharp nicotine intake and a call to father for salary negotiation advice.

All this leaves me with Monday representing career D-Day. At 10am we reconvene our closed office meeting during which I will table a 20% payrise offer or flat refusal to take on the new promotion. It's undoubtedly a situation whereby I'm unzipping the trousers and dangling my bollocks right out; a blind-siding move of the highest order. One which is probably going to slightly shock Bjorn and genuinely scare the shit out of Trophy_Wife. So cocky (/shit-or-bust) am I feeling about this one, I'm even keeping a company car request up my sleeve as a final deal-breaker trump card! I can almost put the behind the scenes words into Bjorn's mouth: "the audacity of him!" Quite.